Asking Little Whitney to Help with Recovery

Please note that this is an excerpt from my full Whitney French Writes newsletter. You can subscribe to my monthly newsletter HERE to receive these messages directly in your inbox.

So where do I begin? June 22nd me and the magnificent Alannah Johnson launched the only Black Queer Feminist press in Canada, Hush Harbour. Then, less than week later, I disappeared on social media for my own protection and mental health. Shortly afterward I got super sick and things were pretty unbearable.

This new paradigm has impacted so many people on so many different levels and Frenchie is far from immune from that impact. My health felt very precarious, my integrity was under attack and my support systems although present we're being push to their limits. And perhaps you've been in a low place and you've denied how very hard it is. "I'm good" because you have your coping mechanisms or "I'm good" because you have a source of income and a roof over your head or "I'm good" because you feel privileged in many ways but ultimately, no matter how many times you say it, homie, you're not good. 

That was me. That was me from July 1st until end of August. Falling apart without admitting to that pain that comes with it. When I was afraid, and carrying the weight of fronting like I wasn't made the recovery process that much more strained. It felt empty, completely hollowed out.

Some cherries that I picked at the park just around the corner from my house.

I wasn't eating, or sleeping, the heat got to me. Other friends who I thought I could trust, I couldn't and I was fully armoured up. All the energy I wanted to put into exciting projects and good people was depleted. I asked anyone who could hold space for me to grant me extra protection. The sounds of pain that came out of my body was unrecognizable.

For many weeks, I didn't know how to function.

Eventually, I recovered but I stayed offline. The things that kept me nourished: my beautiful family, remarkable friends and the joy of growing.

My newsletter has more and more of my farming adventures than my literary adventures these days sand honestly, the time spent with the land, listening to plants, growing my own food and sharing it with loved ones, got me out of one of the hardest slumps of my life. 

I wasn't sure if I was going to recover. But the plants, knew. The trees knew. I knew they knew, but it took some time trusting in their knowledge.

Ceremonies, silences, fresh air, my intuition, good good deep bass music. These things were my balm. My parasynthetic system was finally having space to tell my body to relax. 

Small miracles meant so much.

The thing about recovery is that it isn’t linear. The thing about doing something big and sharing success is that haters follow shortly afterward. They come hard and vicious and the feelings of insecurities can be paralyzing.

As we switch into a new season, my favourite season, a season of harvest I feel so much stronger surviving the summer. I suspect others have had unbelievably difficult summers too. And if you need someone to say that's ok to not be ok, Frenchie can be that for you.

I grew many years in these few months. I will continue to grow alongside the earth-bound miracles around me. And haters have not left me. They still linger in the wings, they will continue to press into me. But I am stronger now. I am purpose-driven. I am aware that I am flawed and make mistakes but I am also reflective and humble and gaining strength because of it.

So here's to an autumn of flourish, an autumn of seed-saving and lesson-saving. An autumn of warm sweaters and warm stories from loved ones. I had to leave y'all to return back to self. But I mean it sincerely, I'm glad your here. On this journey. Holding space for all parts of me. Including my childlike self…

Little Whitney, with her fly-ass self by the water. Even seagulls admire her swag!

I've been doing a lot of inner child work during this quarantine. And I am absolutely in love with Little Whitney. I talk to her a bunch, I hug her and tell her that she is strong, beautiful, brilliant and special. I thank you for being her full free and liberated self. I remind her of her wisdom that has literally saved Adult Whitney's life. She reminds me to honour my growing, that it is at my own time and pace. She reminds me not to let anyone get in the way of my own growing, ever. 

It's hard being in this state of uncertainty; of sitting with myself and reflecting on the deeper parts of me. A lot of emotions are coming to the surface. Ones I can no longer hide from. Ones that need to be shed. Ones that no longer serve me. Ones that are begging for attention and care. And it has been a wild ride.

My emotions are informing my creative work whether I want them to or not. I'm still a bit raw from all these new learnings but I am grateful and grieving, (as mentioned in the last newsletter) how my creative expressions are helping me cope and how some of my coping mechanisms are failing me. It's ok. I don't have the answers. I don't have a cute Instagram poster about how to survive this time. But I do have this photo of Little Whitney. I have her energy, her spirit, her resilience and her badassery. She'll help me get through, one day at a time.  

Sending big love, health, strength and understanding to every single one of you who sent beautiful responses to my newsletter last month. Thanks to those who ride with me, who root for me, who nourish Little Whitney

Frenchie loves you, always.

Until next time,